What day is it?
Have you ever woke up in the morning and can't remember what day it is? Seems to happen to me all the time.
I've been feeling a little down the last couple of days....I told someone that I love dearly that they need to stay out of my life so that I can pick up all of my broken pieces and put them back together. I ask myself all the time though, "how can you still care for someone so much when they hurt you so bad and stole all of your trust?". Wonder what I'm on about? Here's a little background...
"He" and I met almost ten years ago when I moved a couple of doors down from him and his girlfriend. I was seeing someone at the time, and we all became fast friends. I ended my relationship a year later because of his drug habit and was living a content life on my own. "He" ended his relationship with his girlfriend a while later. Shortly thereafter, we became involved. Our relatoinship lasted about eight years, but was filled with some of the happiest and some of the absolute worst days of my life. He cheated on me numerous times (with his ex, and another woman he said was his friend) and flat out lied about it. The day that it was finally confirmed was my birthday! Although I felt broken and mistrustful, I still loved him and gave him the benefit of the doubt when he promised that he was sorry and it would never happen again. Foolish is me, it did happen again....and again....and again.
He would get mad and yell at me because I couldn't open up and communicate with him about anything. But I finally realised it was because I didn't trust him with my innermost thoughts and desires any longer.
One day I realised that I had to get away from the life I had altogether, so I packed my little Jetta with what would fit, and drove my son and I across Canada to another province for a new life. I came to the conclusion that he really didn't give a damn about me anyway. Every time we were close to splitting up before, it was me who would say "wait, let's work it out". Well, this time I wasn't saying it, and he didn't - so he obviously didn't care as much as I did in the first place.
It was working out fine until I suffered a terrible injury to my body and soul by someone who raped and beat me. I returned to my home province for the support of my family and a select few of my oldest and dearest friends. The day before court, I emailed him and told him that I could use a few words of encouragement. All I got back was a bunch of mumble jumble and "I don't know what I can do for you". So that was fine, I did the whole court process and testimony completely on my own.
Shortly thereafter, I get a message from him that his Mother had passed away. Naturally, I emailed back and said how sorry I was and that if he needed a friend he could talk to me (my mistake!). So he did call and cried about his loss. I so wanted to hold and comfort him in his time of need. All of those old feelings started to creep back into my heart and it got to the point where all I could think about was him. But then I would think..."oh yea, he's back with his ex again - so how can I continue on destroying myself like this?". I had called his cell a couple of time to try and reach him, but was unable. So I couldn't hold it it any longer. Sucking back the tears and snot running down my face, I called and just left a message for him to not call me again. I told him (I think - I was trying to hold in the tears so hard that I just babbled on), that in his eternal words to me.....I didn't know how I could help him. That I couldn't go on wanting something I could never have and wishing that he was here all the time, and something to the effect of I would never do to his girlfriend waht was done to me....even though deep down I would love to ruin her life and make her suffer like she did me for so many years. I'm sure I said many other things, but I was so emotional that I don't remember them. All I know is when I humg up that phone, I cried like I've never cried before.
I haven't heard from him since.
The line made famous from Sex in the City.... "He's just not that into you!"
I've been feeling a little down the last couple of days....I told someone that I love dearly that they need to stay out of my life so that I can pick up all of my broken pieces and put them back together. I ask myself all the time though, "how can you still care for someone so much when they hurt you so bad and stole all of your trust?". Wonder what I'm on about? Here's a little background...
"He" and I met almost ten years ago when I moved a couple of doors down from him and his girlfriend. I was seeing someone at the time, and we all became fast friends. I ended my relationship a year later because of his drug habit and was living a content life on my own. "He" ended his relationship with his girlfriend a while later. Shortly thereafter, we became involved. Our relatoinship lasted about eight years, but was filled with some of the happiest and some of the absolute worst days of my life. He cheated on me numerous times (with his ex, and another woman he said was his friend) and flat out lied about it. The day that it was finally confirmed was my birthday! Although I felt broken and mistrustful, I still loved him and gave him the benefit of the doubt when he promised that he was sorry and it would never happen again. Foolish is me, it did happen again....and again....and again.
He would get mad and yell at me because I couldn't open up and communicate with him about anything. But I finally realised it was because I didn't trust him with my innermost thoughts and desires any longer.
One day I realised that I had to get away from the life I had altogether, so I packed my little Jetta with what would fit, and drove my son and I across Canada to another province for a new life. I came to the conclusion that he really didn't give a damn about me anyway. Every time we were close to splitting up before, it was me who would say "wait, let's work it out". Well, this time I wasn't saying it, and he didn't - so he obviously didn't care as much as I did in the first place.
It was working out fine until I suffered a terrible injury to my body and soul by someone who raped and beat me. I returned to my home province for the support of my family and a select few of my oldest and dearest friends. The day before court, I emailed him and told him that I could use a few words of encouragement. All I got back was a bunch of mumble jumble and "I don't know what I can do for you". So that was fine, I did the whole court process and testimony completely on my own.
Shortly thereafter, I get a message from him that his Mother had passed away. Naturally, I emailed back and said how sorry I was and that if he needed a friend he could talk to me (my mistake!). So he did call and cried about his loss. I so wanted to hold and comfort him in his time of need. All of those old feelings started to creep back into my heart and it got to the point where all I could think about was him. But then I would think..."oh yea, he's back with his ex again - so how can I continue on destroying myself like this?". I had called his cell a couple of time to try and reach him, but was unable. So I couldn't hold it it any longer. Sucking back the tears and snot running down my face, I called and just left a message for him to not call me again. I told him (I think - I was trying to hold in the tears so hard that I just babbled on), that in his eternal words to me.....I didn't know how I could help him. That I couldn't go on wanting something I could never have and wishing that he was here all the time, and something to the effect of I would never do to his girlfriend waht was done to me....even though deep down I would love to ruin her life and make her suffer like she did me for so many years. I'm sure I said many other things, but I was so emotional that I don't remember them. All I know is when I humg up that phone, I cried like I've never cried before.
I haven't heard from him since.
The line made famous from Sex in the City.... "He's just not that into you!"
posted by Amethyst Girl at 10:20 AM
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