Okay, so I've been walking around in a dream-like state the last few days and have been feeling like I'd been hit by a train. Well it wasn't a train, it was an email.
When I first read it I thought maybe my brain had ceased to function properly or I was having another seizure, which I hadn't suffered from in a couple of months.....or maybe I was still high and was seeing things. So I walked away for a minute and came back to the monitor to see if I was delusional; but there it still was, and the force that hit me was absolutely devastating. My ex had had a baby with his girlfriend.
I had thought I'd resolved all of my hidden longing for him, but as of that moment even though I hadn't admitted it to myself, I obviousely hadn't. This was the baby that I wanted to have - the baby I had dreamt about for so many of the years we were together - the baby that was ripped from my womb at a time I didn't feel I had a choice to say otherwise. Heartbroken as I was at the time, there would be another I told myself time and again. I wish I knew then that I was only kidding myself!
After a good heart-to-heart with myself Saturday night.....after a few beers.....I realised that I truly am a fool. I had still thought that maybe "someday" he would realise that I was his "one", just I had thought he was for me. Here I am single and un-sexed for over a year just waiting for the day.....a day that I now know will never come. Maybe now I will stop having dreams of him (man, and they were some GREAT ones too), and make myself available for love....REAL love (or maybe just some really great sex). It's time to take that piece of my heart that was his alone and wash it out so that someone else who is deserving of it can occupy it. The experiences we had together will remain ours alone forever, but it's time to open myself up to a new life; a life without him.
